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South Carolina Teacher Contracts (Satire)

BY STEVE NUZUM


South Carolina Teacher End User License Agreement Employment Contract 


The following agreement is heretofore proclaimed and entered into by, between, upon, about, and in the direction of, the BOARD OF TRUSTEES OF THE DISTRICT, hereinafter referred to as Your Employer, and  [INTERCHANGEABLE HUMAN], hereinafter referred to as an employee.


WITNESSETH:

An employee shall maintain throughout the life of this Contract the required qualifications of a teacher, including a valid South Carolina Teaching Credential, abject selflessness, infinite patience with both children and adults, a lack of personal opinions about an issues which might make any person uncomfortable, a side job to help pay for classroom supplies, and a willingness to work 8-15 hours per day, including other duties as assigned, which may or may not relate directly or indirectly to teaching. Failure to maintain such professional qualification(s) during the Contractual period shall constitute grounds for termination of this Contract. Any breach of Contract, with or without warning, for any reason-- including personal illness, relocation of a spouse or family member to another state or country, mandatory military service, or any other reason-- may result in the loss of your teaching certificate for a calendar year. For its part, Your Employer promises to, whenever possible, replace teachers and other certified employees with people who have none of these qualifications if they cost less, if it’s convenient, or if we feel like it.  Innovation! 


The District agrees to pay the Employee according to the salary schedule adopted by the Board, unless we change our minds later; this will be a fun surprise for everyone in August! This salary schedule will be made available at some point, probably, but maybe not! We pinky promise that we won’t change your salary in the future, unless we have to, or want to.  We might also inform you that you’re working in a different building or teaching a different grade or subject, and we might actually do this after the school year begins.  Thanks in advance for your flexibility! We will not be taking any questions at this time! 


An employee will discharge acceptable service for 190 days, unless state law adds more days, in which case, who knows, right?! 


This Contract is void unless an employee signs (preferably in blood or while making a sacred oath) and returns one original copy. This copy must be received by the District Office before May 11. (That said, we’d love for you to sign it months earlier, and we might strongly suggest that you will lose your job or otherwise face our wrath for not doing so. If anyone at the Department of Education asks, we didn’t say that!) 


Love, 


Your Besties at The District


PS. Have a great summer, see you in the fall! XOXO


Fine print: This agreement, herein referred to colloquially as a “Contract,” does not constitute a legally-binding promise, whether express or implied, to do literally anything on behalf of, or for the benefit of, the Employee.  Think of it like one of those postmodern novels where the author is kind of winking at you and playfully mangling and stretching the meanings of words to their absolute limits, and beyond!  We used to also have some loyalty oath language here that is technically “unconstitutional,” so we’re not saying you have to promise to be a loyal employee to the district, or that you aren’t allowed to join certain political or labor or workers’ rights associations, but, you know, wink wink nudge nudge lol   Please be advised that the District may choose to offer no mercy concerning contracts which are turned in even one millisecond after May 1. 


Please also be advised that if we make any mistakes or create any delays in getting your paperwork, paycheck, classroom materials check, work schedule, class schedule, or extracurricular duties schedule to you, we cannot be held responsible. We appreciate in advance your grace and understanding in these trying times. 

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